Hunting Cougar

Age Sweeps Youth, even the perfect 10

2008-02-01T02:32:42Z

Dear Cougar Hunters,

It is many and often time I am reminded why the cougar is the cat for me.

The flower that is youth is beautiful in it's simplicity, it's delicacy, it's utter acknowledgement of life. I would say that a most recent experience of mine can vouch for this claim with complete sincerity. Well, I guess we all know that anyway, about youth that is, but it's important to acknowledge it from time to time.

Take me, I went out to a college bar this past week, and had one of the best nights of my life. With the 21 crowd. Now that may be a blast from the past for many of us...and yet we somehow can get right back into the swing of things, as they say.

So we have this porcelain youth in all it's fragility and splendor. That was evocative! And good lord to have oneself compromised like that, fires it all up.

With that said, youth is blind, and age has sight. Youth runs by a different set of rules -- macho, macho, macho. Age is not sweating the macho angle what-so-ever. With a Cougar, it's all about presentation and style; talent and wisdom. It's more than a pretty face. Cougars are downright self-reliant, and if you want to get one's attention, you must work hard and demonstrate your talents. And that's why age sweeps youth.

Let me know your stories...

Best,

OVP

Mellow Yellow

2007-12-05T16:54:45Z

The term “Cougar” is thrown around pretty liberally these days. This is not necessarily a bad thing; we for one appreciate the increase in traffic to the site and apologize for taking the last few months off. However, I do not like it when a cat is called cougar just for being a couple years older than a guy. It devalues the impact of the word, the lifestyle, and the spirit of the hunt. So from time to time I like to open a discussion about who can be awarded the title of cougar.

As a cougalogist connoisseur I’ve discussed some criteria of what classifies a cougar before, but today I’d like to meditate on something that’s been teasing my noggin: the mellow catch.

A guy hits on a girl.
Age is not discussed, but it's assumed they are peers.
Later, it turns out there is a >10 year age gap with the woman being older.
And they’re totally getting it on!

Analysis: First, the dude in this situation clearly has rights to the cougar hunter title for preoccupying the favors of an older lady. However, IS the lass in this situation a cougar?

She didn’t make the first moves
She’s not financially dominating
She’s not working the youth to the extent of his athletic abilities

What do you say?

Personally, I’m going to give it to our kitten. She was attractive enough to appeal to the hunter and whether she was the aggressor or not she still has a paw on the situation--just a bit mellower about it.

We get it

2007-11-30T12:11:23Z

In the seven months since I last wrote, there was an exponential increase in cougar references in mainstream media. There are even whole shows about them like "Age of Love" and "25 Hottest Cougar Celebrities". It seems like for any sitcom to keep pace they must reference cougars at least once a season and last night was "30 Rock's" turn. I would say it was only an average episode, but there were some funny moments which I've clipped below.

The thing I found most interesting about this episode was that they had such a smooth Cougar Hunter. In the second scene of the clip below, we find out that the Hunter is only 20 and he lied about his age when first introducing himself to get a date with Liz Lemon (Tina Fey). Unfortunately, later in the episode the Hunter has Liz pick him up from his mom's house and she gets bugged out by how close in age his mom looks to her = weak game.

I'm positive that a Hunter who has enough game to pick up a TV exec in her office while serving her coffee wouldn't then have her over to his mom's house after just one date, but it is TV. We appreciate the show for being unique in highlighting the skills of us cougar hunters who in this case created a cougar out of Liz Lemon. Enjoy.

The Rise of the Cougar

2007-06-01T09:07:28Z

I'm not too sure why cougars are getting so much attention these days. Maybe it's a cyclical thing that comes every generation and we're just rediscovering it now. Or maybe there's an increase in liberated older women who have independent incomes and free will. Whatever it is, here are some stats on two generations of cougars that may give us some insight.

Of the cougar clan, the babyboomer generation is leading the way with 42+ million females between the ages of 40 and 59 according to the 2005 US census. They outnumber the males in this generation by about 1.5 million and of those 42 million, only 65% are married with their spouse present, leaving 14.9 million lady baby boomers who aren't locked down and could be on the prowl. In 1995, there were only 10.2 million females in the same age/marital status group meaning there has been a 47% increase in cougars in the last ten years (1995-2005).

But you say, "Mr. Roblunskee-skee-skee, I'm not shackin up with no 60 year old pelt, I'm only 20."

And I don't blame you. Any g-milf, baby boomer coug who lived through the Summer of Love, three wars, and Dick Nixon will work you so hard you'll weep for a decade. So let's move on to the cougar generation who is really coming into their own: Generation X.

According to Douglas Coupland, author of Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture, a Gen X'er is someone born between 1965 and 1978, but because 29 is a little young for us, we'll just look at the 2005 demographics of women between the ages of 30 and 39 (who are now about 32-41).

Overall, there was a 10% drop in the total number of females age 30-39 between 1995 and 2005. Amazingly, even with this drop, the number of these cougs who aren't married has only gone down 3.6% leaving us with about 7.4 million ripe gen-x cougies. Nice!

In conclusion, with around 22 million eligible cougs age 30-59 out there, the pickins should be plenty. Especially when you consider that there are only 21 million men between the ages of 20-29 aka the Boomerang Generation total! With more than one eligible cougar per 20-something man, I declare hunting season OPEN.

[Reference: US Census]

Cougar Hunter of the Week

2007-05-25T12:27:43Z

It's been a while since we've heard from a cougar hunter worth their salt. But hold the phone. Just in time for memorial day, US Marine Westin Ford of Dallas, TX has answered the call with his cougar Kathy. Fresh from his second tour in Operation Iraqi Freedom, this young Lance Corporal has gone from one trench to another. This one, he explains, "Is the kind of crevasse you can only find between two black thigh-highs."

Okay, so how does a kid barely out of high school wrangle a hellcat in her early 40s? It's simple Westin explains.

"In the corp we run ten miles a day in the desert sun. So to really satisfy me and my johnson I need a real nymph. And it's something I'm not ashamed to admit. Sometimes we go two, three, four times before bed."

Westin's approach was unconventional, but in love and war, Sun Tzu reminds us that the element of surprise is often the deciding factor.

"I followed Kathy right into the ladies room (at Dave and Buster's) and pretty much had her right there."

Westin and Kathy have been going strong since March. When asked to point out the greatest thing about dating a cougar, Westin offered this reponse.

"It's nice to wake up with wood in the middle of the night. But it's even better when the lady next to you know's how the hell to tame it."

Starter Wives

2007-05-25T09:52:56Z

If you saw The Tonight Show with Jay Leno last night, I know you drooled a bit when Debra Messing (age 38) came out. I can only imagine her titties lathered in Elmer's glue to keep her extremely revealing dress on. Even Jay was stuttering on his first few lines of their interview. Shwwing!

Debra was on Jay's show to promote her new mini-series The Starter Wife on USA. While I will certainly never watch an episode of the show and I'm not a Debra Messing fan, the term "starter wife" intrigued me so I went to the show's website to check it out.

Molly Kagan, 41 (Debra Messing) is a successful housewife married to a rising movie executive until he divorces her because he's a jackass or whatever. "[Molly] gets shunned by other Wives Of including one of her best friends, and worst of all, she discovers her ex is dating a pop tartlet who is half his age." After that Molly probably cries a lot about how her life is so hard and finally, "discovers that it's up to her to be the architect of her new life and decide what she wants to make of it."

As a guy, I could go on and on about how ridiculous this show is, but since I don't live in Malibu or make seven figures, there’s no way for me to understand the struggles that a rich divorcee goes through.

Back to the point I'm making: A woman turned Starter Wife (you become a starter wife once you're divorced) is also a woman turned COUGAR! I know this show will never have the balls to show Molly welcome her new independence by ravaging an innocent 20-something to match her ex-husband dating the "pop tartlet who is half his age," but we can dream.

How you work a Starter Wife Cougar: According to the show she'll be a "social pariah" lingering on the outskirts of the group. The game to play here is the nuturing hunter. This injured, former zoo cougar just wants someone to listen to her. When the other cougs in the bar see you taking care of her, they too will want that emotional attention and will come after you. Those are the cougs you really want, the starter wife is just bait!

UPDATE: Finally got the photo of Messing in that revealing dress...after the jump...

Also, Debra Messing is a freakin cougar fo' sho.

Oh and the nail in the coffin for "The Starter Wife" being a terrible show, their tagline: "Because, after all, Wife Goes On."

Stay Hydrated

2007-05-22T16:04:32Z

There's nothing greater than getting wore out by an energetic cougar. But it's important to stay hydrated. While we all know this---many of us keeping a bottle of water and a crystal decanter of scotch on the nightstand---a recent evening highlighted the importance of hydration not just for you, but for the cougar herself.

Out at a party with a couple friends, we spotted a pack of cougars on a couch hungrily eyeing the room for fresh prey. Needless to say, our 'fight or flight' instincts went on alert; we decided to fight. Not to mix metaphors, but I went in as my buddy's wingman. He approached the cougars and got two of them out on the dance floor. After a few minutes of meaningless banter, we were too close for missiles and had to switch to guns.

But as we poured these cougars another hit of cheap red wine, they suddenly complained of tiredness and drunkenness. We realized we had crossed the line when cougars---due to their advanced age/wisdom---decide it's too late, they're too drunk and they abandon their midnight meal. I had to figure out a way to re-energize their interest in the bait I was dishing them and quick.

I ejected, leaving my co-pilot to bag his cougar on his own, and ushered my cougar (the meatier of the two) out into the foyer, where there was a bench. We sat on the bench and while she recapped her whole life story I started to regret saving this cougar from a cab ride home. But instead, I went to the kitchen and began feeding her saucer after saucer full of water to better my chances of not letting all that listening time go to waste. After about an hour my cougar come back from the brink with resounding vigor and as a bonus I even woke up the next day hangover free and ready for more.

My friend was a little slow on the agua uptake, had his coug run off with the rest of the pack and then sullied himself like a sixteen year old in the back yard.

So here's a lesson: as tempting as it is to get all drunk and throw buckshot game at some equally drunk cougars, make sure you take a time out to suck some tap or your game will dry up and get all salty. It's science.

Shit, Does She Want to Dance?

2007-05-22T11:20:37Z

May is a great month. The flowers begin to bloom, the air is sweet and the bodies are hot. I'm not sure what cosmic force was going on last weekend, but every hotty in the hood was out on the town. Even on amatuer night (Saturday) girls outnumbered guys 2:1 at the four bars I was at and there was a similar consensus from the other guys roaming MD, DC, nothern VA, and Virginia Beach. Awesome.

I digress. We all know that Friday night is the better night to hunt cougars and on Friday night three of us including Oliver Van Peeples went out to the classy, Gua Rapo in the Courthouse neighborhood of Arlington, VA. Gua Rapo is a restaurant/lounge with a generally mid-20/30's, international crowd. The DJ didn't have anyone on the dance floor on the second floor so we went to the first floor were there was a great merengue band playing. Oliver was able to get us a table right in front, we got a hookah and some drinks, and settled down to watch the latinas shake their asses.

Even before we got our table we noticed three cougys (maybe in their 40s) also at a front table and when we were seated next to them, Oliver spent no time breaking the ice. It wasn't long before we were talking about Columbia (their native country) and ordering some Aguardiente that would "go right to our head."

While my first thought was to get one of these ladies to show me some dance moves, I knew some latin stud could easily swoop in and poach mi pantera de Bogotá while I stumbled over my feet trying to salsa. But if I just sat around chatting and the ladies wanted to dance, my talk wouldn't matter...so on to the hunt:

BAIT IT: Find out if she likes to dance without feeling obligated to dance if she really loves it.

Excused myself from the table (went to the restroom)
On my way back I jumped between a group of girls, gyrated a bit (my best dance move) with a non-threatening, goofy smile on my face
Sat down before my move got old or offended any boyfriends

I got a good laugh from the group and showed them that I wasn't afraid to dance if they wanted to make the move. With the lure baited, the silky jungle cougs could make their moves when they wanted.

Eventually a lone poacher wandered into our hunting ground and was able to score a dance with the cougy that couldn't speak english. Poachers were to be expected, but now I waited to see if the others were in the dancing mood and if my bait was effective.

And it was! The finest Columbiana leaned over to me, pointed out her friend who was dancing with the poacher, and laughed, "that's why I don't dance."

It wasn't clear why she didn't dance and I can only guess she was laughing at her friend for looking so bored while dancing with the poacher, but I laughed back anyway and replied, "I'll drink to that!"

Lost Cougars

2007-05-21T11:47:39Z

Last Wednesday, during my weekly Lost (TV show on ABC) party I found myself entranced by Danielle Rousseau (Mira Furlan). She's not a regular on the show and has only been in a handful of episodes, but last week (Episode: 69) I got a good look at her and said to myself, "Damn, she's a fierce ass Cougar!"

If you've never watched the show, there was a plane crash on a deserted island; except you find out that it's not deserted and there are some hostile people (the Others) on the island who got beef with the people who just crashed. Rousseau isn't a part of either of the crashed folks or the Others, she's an outsider who had her baby (Alex-a teenage girl now) jacked by the Others. Now she just struts around the jungle in her tight, sweaty tank top with her rifle setting up booby traps to fuck with the Others.

In the past three seasons, we haven't seen Rousseau get romantic with any of the islander's, but it wouldn't surprise me to learn that there's a bar on the island where she sneaks up on the Others, lure's them home and works them like only a crazy jungle cougar can. She easily trapped Ben (leader of the Others) in the second season who might be an old lover if Ben is really Alex's dad. Anther piece of pray that should be on Rousseau's dinner menu is Karl, Alex's young boyfriend.

Finally, there are two new possible cougars (episodes 70-71, not yet aired) in the underwater base that have captured Charlie (Dominic Monaghan) aka Merry the Hobbit. In the episode previews the new possible cougs look like they tie him up and really work him over like true cougars would.

Unfortunately, both of these cases have women overpowering men. That's nice and all but on this blog, the men are the hunters. On the show, it's the guys who need to start making some moves. I know they're all stressed, but they've been on the island for three months and they've been acting like soft-ass bitches when it comes to getting their man on. Quit hunting for fish or answers or whatever and go grab some jungle cat ass.

Unwelcome: Cougar Hunter in the family

2007-04-27T15:40:58Z

Alert reader, Oldtownhunter alerted us to this recent "Dear Margo" column on Yahoo news about the family of a Cougar not taking kindly to a hunter who had proposed marriage. Margo sets the the concerned family member straight by telling her, "It is damn near impossible to change the mind of a girl or a woman who's decided she is getting married." Good news for this guy.

However, on further reading the letter to Dear Margo I wondered if a guy who has "no job and lives with his grandmother" is really a true cougar hunter. On this site we feel a cougar hunter is a man who is more mature than others in the same age range. This guy just seems to be a straight up snack for this coug and will get spit out like a chump when she realizes the flavor is only skin deep.

Excerpt:

DEAR MARGO: My aunt "Sharon" is 40 years old and dating a guy who is 24. She has been seeing him for less than a year, and he has just asked her to marry him. She actually said yes. We all thought it was a joke until she showed us the ring. (She has three children, the oldest 21.) We all think she is insane. My grandmother (her mother) told her to give the ring back and not to accept, because he is young enough to be her child. When she realized that everyone was against her decision, she adopted the attitude that it is "her life, and she'll do as she pleases."

Yo, I got one:

DEAR MARGO: As far as silver Cougars go, I think you're #1! How do I get a date with you?

Being Eaten Alive

2007-04-05T13:09:00Z

Spring in the city and the cougars are everywhere and at epic ferocity. CBS just wrote an article on the increase in appetite among our prey.

While we figure out how to make time to write about our conquests we’ll leave you with the hottest spot to hunt in the Washington DC area:

Alexandria, VA specifically old town. We get out there on any day that’s not Saturday and have a great time.

[Via Dethroner]

The air up there

2007-03-20T16:17:24Z

High Altitude Training

Your average cougar can wear out a 20-something with little effort. Even if it's your back that's slappin the granite/carpet/mattress, a cougar can make you feel like an out of shape bitch and it’s a feeling that we can't stand. It puts doubts in your head and breaks your game quicker than Gilbert Arenas.

Last week I spent five days enjoying the fresh air and powder (snow not blow) of Colorado's Summit County. My days were spent at an altitude of at least 9,000 feet and on skis I got up to around 13,000 feet. I was lucky not to feel altitude sickness which can be caused by going from sea level to 12,000 ft in a few hours, but the real story here is how I felt when I got back to DC: like a fuckin T-Rex!

The pressure of oxygen in the air at sea level is triple of what it is at 10,000 ft (or something like that since everything I looked up was in meters). Whatever it is, the increase in oxygen goes right to your blood and you are bestowed the power of a cougar predator---like a T-Rex.

I’m no expert on dinosaurology, but if you remember the scene in Jurrasic Park where the T-Rex gnoshes the goat and then gets his meal on with the scientist in the bathroom you’ll get my point. I would even bet that the altitude-change boost could enable you to take on multiple cougars at the same time! (Disclaimer: That’s a bet, not a fact so attempt with caution.)

Regardless, all the pro endurance athletes have been using this trick for decades so it’s about time for the serious cougar hunters to get the same edge! Again, I was only out there for five days so my T-Rex buzz only lasted for a couple days, but the folks I know who train all winter up there say the buzz can last for as many as three weeks back at sea level.

Click-through for the phrase of the day:

Juicin' (Off the shelf edition)

2007-03-19T16:51:18Z

I'm not going to lie. The weather was total shit last week in DC and we chose to take a week off. Usually bad weather makes for great hunting since the quails and pencil-necks stay indoors but cougars still need to feast. In honor of our rest we’re devoting this week’s topics to getting back on the horse/cougar, manning up, no more breaks, and getting the job done. Basically a week on how to put that extra strut in your ~~stamen~~stride.

As we all know caffeine is an easy and convenient way to give a jolt/ buzz/ spunken-sprank to your day. But getting your daily dose of caffeine from cola and coffee is so 1960s. Today you can choose from energy drinks, gum, and mints which are sexier and easier to conceal for those moments you need a boost but don’t want to look like you get worn out so easily. Thanks to Life Hacker we found out about Energy Fiend, a blog devoted to caffeine. Energy Fiend has all the details on different ways to get seriously juiced with caffeine. One of interest to me was Stay Alert Energy Gum that looks like it was developed for the Army! Nothing like employing the government's secret weapon to help break a wild cougar.

Being addicts of energy ourselves, HC recommends Redbull---naturally, since we mix it with every sort of alcohol we come across (here and here)---and VOJO mints. Energy Fiend seems to like Penguin mints, but the packaging/size of VOJO mints makes Vojo far superior. Christ, VOJO's case has a mirror on the lid and the mints look like E---sort of a let down if you get one from a friend for the first time, but at least you get an energy boost! Note: both Red Bull and VOJO rank low on the amount of caffeine, but both have Guarana as an ingredient. I’ll post more on this baller brazilian plant later in the week.

Dress To Impress: the Magic Item Theory

2007-03-12T01:51:35Z

Listen Up, my Dear Fellow Coug-Crazy Men:

Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm!! We've all gotten that little voice in our head when we're out in a nice lounge, sipping a manhattan, a glass of champagne, or even a RBV (if anyone asks, say it's a GGG--a ginger grey goose. I have no idea what that tastes like (shit?) but since no one knows they won't question you.) Phew. Now that that's over, here's the lesson of the day.

When you get that mmmm feeling looking at a woman, chances are there's something about her that makes her stand out from the crowd. Maybe she's got hip huggers that could squeeze Florida orange juice from 10 feet away. Maybe she's got a cleavage line that would give a triangle two right angles. Maybe her skirt's so tight you can read the tag on her underwear!

All fine and dandy possibilities but the truth is, chances are you noticed her because she was wearing something to make her stand out from the crowd. A red scarf, a turquoise necklace, a yellow camisole--even the big silver hoochie earrings (we'll do an article about those another time). The point is, by wearing at least one item of clothing that stands out, it helps a great deal to get noticed when you're going out. This rule applies to both women and men...but is especially important to men.

***

All Black...is OUT.

Think about it, how often do the ladies go for a guy dressed all in black!? Fellas, it is time to leave the all-black outfit to the amateurs, the wide-eyed shrinkers from human touch and conversation, the business blokes who think that dressing like a shadow on the wall is what the ladies want. No!! Dress nice, and then grab ONE ITEM that has flare, and add it to your outfit. I promise you will get double the attention from the opposite sex the next time you step to the scene.

But be careful--don't go for too much flare, unless you're a rap star or someone with sufficient flamboyance enough to pull it off. For the majority of us, one sensibly chosen item should do it; and for those of us who like to push the envelope, try two, but remember that you are walking a fine line. Just a tad too much and you're over, and go from hip to hide-your-eyes in a millisecond. But if you can look suave AND have something about the way you roll that gets the ladies' eyes...Now that is a great start. If you don't believe me, try it, and watch how many women say to you "Oh, I love your orange scarf!” or "I love your herringbone blazer!" Furthermore, and here's the clincher, it is Cougars who most of all appreciate and go "gah-gah" over a guy who can pull off a lil' flair!!

Friday night's a long way away boys, better get yourself that Magic Item if you wanna use that magic stick!

Your Man in Havana,

Oliver Van Peeples

Performing to your peak potential

2007-03-06T18:06:49Z

I’m no scientist, but I know that stress at work, a long bike ride, and an all night cougar wranglin' tire me out and mess with my performance the next day. I also know that sustained periods of doing these things can’t be cured by your daily four-pack of Red Bulls, and red eyes (cup of coffee with a shot of espresso in it). Bummer.

It turns out that even though we hunters are young, motivated, and crazy virile some free radical son of bitches are trying to take us down from the inside out. Lucky for us, a mastermind scientist supporting both the cougar and cougar hunter game couldn’t stand for this assault and is here to help:

Free radicals are reactive oxygen molecules that are created as a by-product when our body burns oxygen to create energy. Free radicals damage healthy cells and have been linked to premature aging, weakened immunity, and low energy.

This sort of free radical cell damage is natural, but it is increased by:

Exposure to environmental toxins, stress, chemicals, radiation from the sun, high fat diet, high sugar processed foods, periods of intense exercise, periodic over-exertion (the “weekend warrior syndrome”) and lack of sleep.

Oh shit, that last paragraph was my life! Lucky for me there’s Free Radical Scavenger (FRS), antioxidant energy juice. That hot buzz word, antioxidants, has been thrown around a lot lately, but these scientist claim flavonoid antioxidants, straighten out the free radicals and make you live forever. Yes, you can find antioxidants in regular products like: blueberries, red onions, apples, cocoa, and green tea, but who has time to eat that shit…plus it’s winter, where am I going to find a god damn cocoa tree?

I have tried the FRS chews and the drink concentrate and they both taste a little strong at first, but that way you know it is working. I have a pack of the lemon lime chews on my desk and pop at least two a day in the morning. My body recovers faster, it needs less of the other stimulants, and helps my eyes focus on the prize at night.

The sooner the FRS cans (similar size to Red Bull's) are easier to find in our local stores the better. This product gets a big HC high five!

Bonus: The Discovery Channel Cycling team (Lance’s old team) just endorsed the product so you know it has to work! www.frsplus.com

Conference Cougar

2007-03-05T19:01:20Z

Your average convention or conference is the perfect place to meet people with similar interests. At first thought you might assume that this would be the perfect place to also find a cougar. It’s a professional setting, you already have a common ground to start a conversation, and usually there are free drinks. Shit, there are probably cougars staying on your same hotel room floor. All you have to do is put a pinch of catnip outside your door and you’ll have a pack of felines ready to help you get over your jet-lag. I mean maybe not at the financial accountant’s convention or the conference for astro-plasma foot fungus, but at a marketing conference, it should be easy pickins! Right?

Sadly fellow hunters, the answer is no. It turns out that a majority (59%) of all conference goers are married, sober, and/or uptight. Even if your hotel has a bar in it or near by, cougars can be impossible to locate or they will be completely caged in by a pack of older men with better business cards, bigger expense accounts, and some of the best cock-blocking skills in the game.

But I’m not trying to bum you out about going to your upcoming conference in Minneapolis. Here are some tips for dodging the cock-blocking haters and sniping a fierce, business cougar:

1) Early bird gets the worm: Conferences are all about networking and the earlier you get out there, the more people you’ll meet. You might even meet someone who’s throwing a private party outside the hotel. Scope out the different lectures for cougars and then sit down next to one—note: she’ll have already been hit on 67 times this morning so she may be cold at first, but as the speaker drones on pass some notes like you were in 5^th grade.

2) Siesta, no fiesta. You should have done most of your legwork in the morning and even though the open bar and booths have just opened, you’ll need this time to get some shut eye for the nights activities. You should check out the booths quick to be seen and get some free schwag but don’t linger or your scent will get stale.

3) Night survival: If you were lucky during the day and you made some cougar connections try to get her out of the hotel to another restaurant or bar where hopefully more female conference attendees are. If not, you’re about to deal with at least two generations of older men who treat the conference like they were going back to college. Most are married with children and they treat this conference like the best holiday they’ve had in ten years. You may think you’re safe talking to a lady in the corner of the bar, but these guys will swarm and block your shit like Marcus Camby. Sure you’ll get lots of free drinks from these doting benefactors, but the over-poaching will throw your lass out of the mood and out of the bar.

4) Finally, if you are successful in bagging a con-coug don’t forget to get her card. If girls can sleep their way to the top, why can’t we?

Cougar Hunter of the Week

2007-03-05T14:05:31Z

The Cougar Hunter of the Week Honors goes to Christian Hakimian (38) all the way from Dortmund, Germany! His hellcat is the newly widowed socialite, Greta Schmidt (56) from Mannheim. The pair are seen at his gallery opening, which Christian explains is prime hunting grounds for cougars.

“The older women, they love art. All shapes and sizes. Cubism, surreal, art house scheiss, the nine.”

Being a critically acclaimed painter doesn’t hurt Christian’s game one bit.

“I can’t think back to a lonely night since I sprouted on top of my geschmeckel.”

His keys to the kingdom are simple. “Always stand out. Wear a suit to a football game or a pulli (pullover tracksuit) to beer garden. Women NEED TO SEE YOU FROM FAR FAR AWAY. And for scheiss-sake, wear a clean lederhosen.”

“You’re an artist, nicht wahr? Live out loud, and you shall have your kitten. Or cougar. Pussy is a pussy, my opa would always remind me.”

Thanks for your advice Christian. But our readers want to know, what’s with the throatee?

Cougar got your tongue?

When you can't find a Cougar

2007-03-01T16:06:45Z

Let's say you're out trollin for cougars---or any woman---but you come up short. Even your boys here at HC admit that it happens to all of us much more than we like. You had high hopes for the night, especially after reading the Bible, but no cougars pounced. You even tried playin a wolf and going after some chicks your own age or younger, but your game was salty and you ended up buying drinks for all the married bitches. And then a drink for all their husbands so they wouldn't beat you down. Fuckin husband cockblockers aka farmers. Why do they hate? Or maybe you just got lost in all the analogies and couldn't connect. At this point you have two main options:

1) Admit to yourself that you had a bad night and help your friends as a wingman or DD or,
2) Lower your standards, get wasted and leave it up to chance.

While we're never ones to quit anything, in this situation do NOT employ #2. Waking up in the morning with a hat wearing, West Virginia black bear and a drunk squirrel (see pic) is never acceptable. Not only will the scars never heal, but bears have an insatiable hunger for honey and once they know you have it they'll never stop knocking on your door. One day you'll finally get the cougar of your dreams and be having a romantic dinner and all of a sudden that damn black bear is storming down your door for some honey.

Trinke Liebe. Trinke schnell.

2007-02-27T17:06:00Z

Jaeger’s back with a brand neue jam.

There are times when sipping is right. A sweet glass of Pinot Noir to complement your beefsteak. Receiving Holy Communion from Father O’Pheelmeup. And then there are times when sipping will get you an ass-whipping faster than Marilyn Chambers in Babysitter 15: The Case of the Anal Abacus Beads. A ski weekend getaway with the boys is a prime example.

Scenario—You have 5 minutes until you’re hitting the lifts. It’s three below zero with windchill. Instead of crying and wiping your tears with your maxi pads, you decide to change the temperature from the inside out.

Welcome to 5^th Avenue. First things first, you’ll need to be acquainted with the Jager Bomb. In case you’ve been living under a rock or don’t have what scientists refer to as “testicles” or “meat-peas” let me drop some science. Mix a shot of Jaeger with some Red Bull. Chug.

If a Jaeger Bomb is an Al-Queda-broken-glass-lead-pellet explosion, the 5^th Avenue is genuine American plutonium. Radioactive, take no prisoner madness. Combine a 5^th of Jaeger and a can of Red Bull. Don’t forget to share with a friend, unless you have a 3^rd kidney. Guaranteed to get you fucked faster than the prom-queen in the backseat of your dad’s Lincoln.

You’ll feel about 30 degrees warmer, and if you not, you probably won’t give a fuck. Personally endorsed by Bode Miller.

Cougar Hunter of the Week

2007-02-23T13:51:42Z

With the Academy Awards just two days away, we at HuntingCougar decided to feature a Cougar Hunter of the Week with a hollywood twist. By now we all know what constitutes a cougar and a hunter. But what happens when a badger and a cougar meet? Meet Royce Davidson from Chapel Hill, NC.

Royce (62) is no stranger to dating, and has by his account he’s “been chasing older, younger and in-betweener women since the 60’s.” Only recently has he been turned onto the idea of cougars, since it’s “acceptable in these parts,” he reasons. His latest catch is 43 year old Kendra Phillips. They met at a University of North Carolina fundraiser in early 2007 and the two have been “a strictly Siamese affair since the New Year.”

Advice from Royce: To the older gentlemen out there, I know it’s intimidating when you’re out trying to meet a nice lady. All these young men have it so easy, just swooping in on the action, flashing new duds and polished shoes. Listen to me fellas, don’t count yourselves out!

There’s lots we badgers have in common with the fair cougars. We know how to please a woman and we don’t call it a day after we hit the ejector sit. We know our way around town, and I’ll be damned to find a man who’s more in touch with the love-mounds of Venus. Most importantly we’ve plain lived longer. Experience is a commodity that cougars need, be it with your john-thomas, your automobile or simply knowing how to treat a lady like a lady. And if she’s bad, you know damn well how to tame her. So crack your whips fellas and best of luck!